Log in

No account? Create an account

buy my stuff!

1. BNWOT torrid size 0 mesh side bathing suit with halter tie. all black. awesome suit, but i never wore it. i got the same one with hot pink trim and wore it instead. originally $78. asking $20 shipped.

more under here. MAC, clothes and shoesCollapse )


i buy too much and end up with tons of things i do not ever wear. so i am selling a bunch to help get my closet under control. for reference, im 5'5", ~190lbs, 36D and my measurements are 38-30-42. if you need measurements, just ask. im pricing everything to move, but feel free to ask questions. im not making money on shipping, thats why its included. next up will be more accessories and make up once i sell through this stuff. happy shopping!

urban outfitters, anthro, diesel, forever 21, shoes. sizes 12-16ish. 65 items!!!Collapse )

here we go.

i want to be a writer, so i should be writing like its my job. instead i have an idea that will float into my head at 4am and be forgotten by the time i wake in the morning. i try hard to be organized. i carry around a notebook for all my brilliant moments. so far, it contains this gem "this is young life. shit sucks. if it doesnt, count yr blessings, you privileged motherfucker." oh, and a trite sentence or two about how i feel a genuine sense of longing when i see birds on my way to my desk job every morning. i really wish i was a goddamn bird so i would not have to do what i do for a living. i simply cannot survive with an emotionally abhorrent job. i guess that makes me weak. i know my partner would really rather i just sucked it up. its just not in me anymore. ive been sucking it up for years. i threw away almost every diary i kept as a kid. i would read them and feel embarrassed about the raw sentiment expressed and tear up the pages before throwing them away each time i moved. i have a very real and uncompromising fear of being seen as human, because i dont feel that im human like everyone else. the inside of me is the most awkward thing that ever existed. my thoughts are all twisted. i have built a persona of passability. i can be really funny, lighthearted. i am also angry and everyone knows i get even when i get mad. im a force to be reckoned with and everyone sees that hardness. im not that girl, i assure you. im not even jesha. its a name my cousin made up and i ran with it in the hopes of really attaining someone elses life. jesha has served me well. shes more likable than the weirdo from grade school. to everyone but me. i was a successful kid. as successful as kids can be i guess. top of the class, all kinds of honors. smart and precocious. more words for unlikable. i doubt every fucking move i make. every feeling i have. every thought. i have no idea how im able to carry on a somewhat normal relationship. for every month i spend being normal and keeping up the non self hating version of myself ive created, there are eons of pent up weirdness. little voices telling me how phony i am and everyone sees through it. ive come to age 30 and found that no one sees through it. i built an impenetrable wall. i threw away all evidence of who i really am. i want to be a writer. i have to strip it all away. no one is gonna buy the story i might tell of the fake life i lead. the real story is the only story i ever need to tell. i did not grow up like everyone else. drugs and divorces are the average american kids story these days. im not talking about any of that crap. im talking about the complete and utter lack of self i was taught from the minute i was born. i was a vessel. i was not to be who i wanted. i do not believe i have ever been loved for who i really am. shes not pretty. shes just not. and that brokenness is something that comes around and makes a person beautiful because they survive it and rise the victorious phoenix. i never let myself be broken so im stuck in the tar without a match. who am i? i dont know now, but i know the stuff my friends and family have no idea that i am. im an overtly sexual creature who downplays my desires because im scared of why i feel this way. im a creative thinker and i am so easily bruised by criticism that i can barely breathe sometimes when i even think about speaking my original ideas. i am a fat girl and i really dont have a problem with it. i know im supposed to be ashamed and strive for a better body. but i like to eat and i just dont hate my weight. my doctor says im healthy so fuck it. i love make up and clothes and everything girly and i resent being brought up in the absence of all of that just because no one in my family cared about any of it. i want flowers and i want love notes and i want a really pretty engagement ring to wear. i dont want to get married and i dont want babies because i just find the whole venture so fucking selfish. i never, ever take the safe road and i think its about time everyone accepted that there have to be people like me. there have to be people who stand up for what they believe in and pick the battles other people dont. i serve a purpose as this hard headed angry person too and im tired of being ashamed of that. i want to move to california because i want an adventure. and i never will because i would never leave my grandmother who is 83. so i guess im choosing not to live my life for someone else. and i have no idea how to reconcile that. the most basic problem is me wanting to erase this right now and not sure a single word. how will i ever be a writer?
someone i dated was on cops last night. as the cop. told ya i was a good girl.

ding ding ding.

so someone on my flist posted this as a meme. im gonna fill it out for the enjoyment of anyone who reads this lj and anyone who wants to do the same should either answer it on their own lj or in my comments. whichever you prefer, lovelies.

01) Are you currently in a serious relationship? yes, with a red-haired freckled boy named aaron.

02) What was your dream growing up? i used to talk to he-man on a toy phone. does that count?

03) What talent do you wish you had? i wish i was a really good singer.

04) If I bought you a drink what would it be? a vitamin water.

05) Favorite vegetable? broccoli, totes.

06) What was the last book you read? look me in the eye by john elder robison.

07) What zodiac sign are you? libra power.

08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where. i have a tattoo of a cute ass tooth on the back of my left calf and a 1/4 sleeve of cuteness on my right arm. i also have 6 gauge ear holes.

09) Worst Habit? i can be aggressive.

10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride? the person who posted this is currently very pregnant, so definitely i would offer her a ride.

11) What is your favorite sport? i watch football.

12) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude? depends on the day really.

13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator? probably lose my mind. especially if it were playing muzak.

14) Worst thing to ever happen to you? so. many. to. choose. from. i had the kinda childhood that makes a best selling memoir.

15) Tell me one weird fact about you. i am absolutely shit-faced if i have one beer.

16) Do you have any pets? 3 kitties: angel, casio and cheeto. i also take care of my grandmothers two dogs: tip and dinosaur.

17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly? i dont like visitors unannounced because i like to have a clean house when people stop in.

18) What was your first impression of me? the person who posted this: smarty mc smarty.

19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary? i hate clowns so much. my mom dressed me up as a clown when i was 2 and i cried my make up off and then smeared it on her shirt.

20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be? i want thinner arms.

21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience? i like to stir up some trouble.

22) What color eyes do you have? blue and green. equally mixed.

23) Ever been arrested? of course not.

24) Bottle or can soda? i dont drink soda often. occasionally i do enjoy a fountain soda though.

25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it? oh god! i dont know, but id spend some of it right away because i love shopping.

26) What's your favorite place to hang out at? hate this question because it is grammatically dumb.

27) Do you believe in ghosts? yea, on an abstract level. energy cannot be destroyed, so its gotta go somewhere.

28) Favorite thing to do in your spare time? aaron and i travel to weird small florida towns and take pictures in their crazy antique malls.

29) Do you swear a lot? only for comedic effect. common place words with the right emphasis are better.

30) Biggest pet peeve? dummies.

31) In one word, how would you describe yourself? bodacious.

32) Do you believe/appreciate romance? believe it? dumb. appreciate it? yes, when its not cheesy. premeditated romance ala movies is so corn!

33) Favorite and least favorite food? i normally love sushi, but currently all food is my least favorite as i am recovering from a stomach virus.

34) Do you believe in God? no.

35) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you? uh, duh. doin it right now.

36) Favorite band(s) of ALL time: pavement and the rolling stones.

this person is making an ass of herself.


Britt Gomez is wondering why it is exactly that fat people get so angry when you make fat jokes. I know they make fun of skinny people, I've had it done to me and and it's just as rude/hurtful. It's not MY fault I'm not obsessed with food, or that my metabolism is better than yours. Just like your need for 5 slices of pizza and chocolate cake coupled with a slow metabolism "isn't your fault." Right?
32 minutes ago

Freddie Zampieri Its not my fault i blame my mom.
26 minutes ago

Britt Gomez Blame yourself if you're fat. Over eating, lack of exercise, and a pathetic attitude. I seriously think I might hate fat people. I'm not joking. It's fucking gross and I can handle hiding behind their self inflicted insecurities anymore. They can call me anorexic, or ask me what toddlers section I bought my clothes in, but GOD FORBID I ask them about why they are so fat.
16 minutes ago

Candace Price Agree - If you are fat just accept thats you and don't hate on the skinny's. And understand that it gets annoying that you take up 2 train seats and make loud disgusting noises when you breathe and eat.
about a minute ago

Freddie Zampieri lol
a few seconds ago

a late but timely valentines story...

my boyfriend and i met as a direct result of an ill-advised tryst with a fair weather friend of mine. if it doesnt exactly sound fortuitous, thats because it was not. it took months of weirdness and an insistence by said fair weather friend of potential loverboys creepiness factor before i relented and accepted his hand. of course, hed withdrawn his hand by that time and i was forced to become the hunter. im a vegetarian, which says exactly how comfortable i am being the hunter. not to mention i have the on again, off again self esteem of a girl who has always been on the plus size end of the chubby spectrum. not to say my size or shape has caused me any lost love. it hasnt. but that doesnt keep me from being societally programmed to believe im less than desirable with this extra junk in the trunk. (little did i know he was totally into the junk.) hell, even if i wasnt a fuck yeah chubby girl, id still find a reason to be squeamish in love: pores too big, nose too wide, hair too curly. theres about a zillion products out there offering to cure me of all these imperfections and even as a feminist, its hard not to be indoctrinated. regardless, i found it deep in my girl guts to just call the guy. only slightly taller than me, which made him shorter than most boys, he is a pale red-head covered with dozens upon dozens of endearing freckles and a surprisingly strong build. our first meeting was the night of the aforementioned tryst, in which he paid more attention to me than the slated recipient of his hot beef injection. i was playing it cool as a cucumber, ignoring him wholly. his quirky best friend kept me busy with silly questions from strangers such as "so, what is the meaning of life?"im quite certain i did not notice loverboys admiration as my eyes spent most of the night rolling into the back of my head. his best friend was cute, but trying too hard for my liking. also, i was determined to ignore the gaze meeting the side of my face since fair weather friendling had expressed her interest in red headed loverboy should be unimpeded by me, or anyone else, paying him any attention. i was purposefully avoidant and continued to be for the insuing melee of crap. fair weather friend, angered by loverboys inquiry about her hot friend (me), decided i should be punished for this uninvited attraction. to appease her brutality towards me, as if i could control someone elses feelings, i refused loverboys calls and emails. until one night he showed up on my porch. we sat on some rickety chairs id yanked from my grandparents house while moths beat excitedly against the dim, dirty porch lightbulb. he way shy, with his transparent blue eyes permanently gazing downward at his restless, tapping toes. i still smoke back then, and i must have gone through half a pack of camel lights in an attempt to seem less nervous. i was still living with my ex, though our relationship had long since ceased to exist, so the meeting on that porch felt verboten. two meetings later i was still refusing his kisses. im pretty sure i was making him completely insane, since he had just returned to florida after a year stint in the cloudy, depressed midwest with a less than enthusiastic to have him girl who left him feeling a cold fish about love in general. my nerves and flakiness was certainly not helping. i couldnt help being a skeptic myself, since i came out of four years of being a trophy girlfriend for someone who did nothing to earn any prize. however, i sensed id played too hard to get when i left loverboy a mixed cd and he thanked me by saying "i needed a new coaster." his bile only strengthened my resolve to win him back over. i called him mid-day on a friday. he was at work. i told him i had a limited afternoon window to entertain him and promised to deliver all those kisses id withheld. i had an appointment with my grandmother to meet Paula Deen at a book signing that afternoon. loverboy must have really wanted those kisses, because he told work he was sick and showed up at my house. he claimed his prize and we have been together ever since. we had such a weird, confusing beginning. i remember asking friends if a bad beginning was a terrible omen for our relationship and nearly everyone told me the same thing: get the shit out of the way, and it will get better as it goes along. its been true. we get better every day. and ill never refuse his kisses again, although they were totally worth the wait.